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04.13.07 - 10:44 a.m.

She's Back...With Ripped Pants

It has been soooo long since I've written. Because I've started a new "serious" blog which just means it's acceptable for my mom and dad to read. While a diary never is. At least in my case. And so I'll go back to this to write about what it is I like to say 'privately'- stuff about boys and bars and the like. And this one is going to be a long one to make up for lost time.

I am having the SUCKIEST all time luck with boys right now. Any kind of attraction I used to eminate has been sucked away. I'm dry as a bone. I got all excited when some van driver with Belize flag licence plates waved at me the other day. It's my only action lately..although I do have a good story...

So, I was writing my master's thesis (which I amazingly finished) and had to do interviews. I interviewed this particularly cute guy (my perfect guy in a LOT of ways: latino- tejano actually- tatoos, funny, political, rough around the edges, had a picture of a cat in his cell phone, high school teacher, loves music) who I thought had a girlfriend. We did the interview at a bar (ummm) and he said the coolest shit in the interview, just politically all that I love. And swearing. I think swearing is endearing in some weird way. In any case, interview ended, beer kept flowing and to make a long story short, we ended up going dancing to reggae and we know Paleta likes her some reggae dancing. He told me he didn't have a girlfriend, we bumped, we grinded, we made out on the dance floor, he grabbed my crotch on the dance floor, I got mad, he apologized, we grinded some more, I drove him home.

So we're making out in the car in front of his house, he pulls me onto his lap and is trying to get in my pants. I'm ambivalent, he's pulling at the belt, at the buttons, no dice. Suddenly I hear this noise, look down and realize
HE HAS RIPPED MY PANTS OPEN!!!! He had tugged on the seam and my entire left thigh was hanging in the wind.

The night was over. But I gave him my phone number and he lent me a pair of his jeans.


And did I mention he had steadily, over the course of about 6 hours drank 4 beers and 7 Jim & Cokes?

I went out again with him. We deconstructed the crotch touching and the pants ripping. It was okay. He drank tremendous amounts again. I drank very little. I told him I was interested in not just booty calls but actually having someone. He said he had just broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago and was not looking for anthing serious, at least he was honest. And I said "I should go then because if we keep hanging out I'm going to want to sleep with you and I'm tired of sleeping with people who aren't my boyfriend and don't turn out to be my boyfriend." And he said he understood and then started flirting with me as hard as possible and I gave up and went home with him.

The sex was terrible. All that booze? He looked so much better with his clothes on. His house was a disgusting mess. There was no kind of foreplay. When he did the 'roll off and snore' I left. It was a bad movie. I texted him the next day and said I was dissappointed.

I left for a month and was weak and texted him once. When I came back I had a text from him. We went out. This time it was really, really nice but again he drank more than I've ever seen another human drink. He's great at talking and flirting... I'm weak for his big eyelashes and coolness. I'm weak for male. And I went home to his CLEAN house (one good sign). This time too the sex was really really nice although it was of the marathon version where you go for hours on end. Which, when you haven't had it for a while, isn't that great physically. It's just sore. But we slept afterwards and he cuddled me and he was cute, etc. etc. Breakfast the next morning, and then
He Never Called Me Again.

What else is new? And he's somewhat in my political 'circle'. Like I'll see him maybe tomorrow at this event, but damn. Why do I keep doing this to myself? An alcoholic, pants ripper who made it clear he doesn't want a girl and here I am pining away. Will I ever ever ever learn?

And I'm so, I don't know, desparate? Loneley? I'm done with school, I'm jobless, I'm floating around doing nothing with too much time to think about boys... so I went online. I'm supposed to have some dates with some random online guys. It makes me stressed just to think about it. I need to keep an open mind. Someone must be out there. Am I too picky? Or just a bad picker?

I'm trying to feel cute and pretty and excercize and not eat too much crap, but frankly I feel like there is no future with men. I'm blue. And I realize that all of my friends in relationships right now are going through horrible moments which just makes me think that nothing good comes of this crap anyway.

One friend said to me that she hates talking to me about her problems with her boyfriend because the advice I give her is always "just dump his ass". She's right (and I still think she should) but I guess I just have so little faith in relationships working that I don't see what the struggle is worth. And I'm probably jealous in a twisted way that they are in relationships and I want people to be single with me so we can hang out! Anyway, it will be nice when spring finally gets here and I have my damn period and then all will be wonderful!

Until then, thank you for reading this and keeping up with me even though I never write anymore. Hopefully I will again, because there must be more boy stories in my future.. there just HAS to be...

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