06.11.05 - 7:27 p.m.

Okay. The diary is not just for boy stories. It's for friend stories as well. I'm having a weird friend week. You need to know that I try and be very social. Ever since my almost-husband dumped me two months before the wedding, I've decided that getting to know as many people as possible can only make me a better person. I try and be honest and kind and caring and a good friend. Seems I've not been A1 lately. Sigh.

Wed. went to Frencao's house. He had some of his frenchy friends there and Gozaldo was there. I took a friend of mine, Maria, who is breaking up with her husband. I'm trying to be a good friend and invite her out a lot and I know she's going through a hard time, but sometimes I feel odd- like she makes comments that she wants to do what I do and wants to arrange her birthday party to be at the Bar I Always Go To to make sure I come and it feels a little wierd. I like her, but I get the feeling like I'm supposed to supply the fun somehow...I dunno. I don't want to overthink it and I do want to support her. I had to work during the first half of her birthday party and she took it really hard, and although I understand why she was disappointed, the strength of it made me feel like out relationship was out of whack a bit.

I also don't think she gets how incredibly broke I am. I had to cancel plans with one of my best friends who was in from out of town just for the weekend in order to make some $. I hate to do it, but otherwise I can't eat or afford gas. Really.

Anyway- I had another weird friend interaction with my friend Tallulah. She told me that I was always cancelling plans. I think we have crossed wires. She's super structured and unless someone gives me an exact time and place I am very much at the will of the cell phone ("Call me when you get there." "Call me when you know what you want to do."). I am spontaneous and don't like to plan a million years in advance because I know people get tired or drunk or plans change, and that's fine with me. Not with Tallulah. Seems she's had like a year's worth of problems with it simmering and only now told me. Sigh.

And after feeling weird with my friend in the South West it's just getting to be too much a theme. I don't want to hurt people but I think we could all stand some more understanding or some more practice with conflict resolution or something. Of course, me included.

Luckily I have Beriba. She's my roomate/wifey these days. We call during the day and hang out at night and when I feel shitty she makes me feel better. I hope I do for her what she does for me. It's nice to have SOMEONE out there understand you.

I also wish I wasn't so sensitive. When someone criticizes me, I really take it to heart. Unless they are total dickwads, I believe there's got to be some truth to what they say and I want to be the best I can be. So I'll try not to be so flaky anymore, at least with Tallulah.

On the other hand I need to be true to myself and if that means canceling plans to make $ or because I'm not always in the space to hear about someone's problems that's okay too. I need to balance not being selfish with being good and true. Phew, it's hard.

On a superficial note, I kind of liked one of Frencao's french friends. But only kind of. I'm not in persuing mood right now. One of his other friends (Argentinian) said, when asked "What don't you like about the U.S.?" said "Society.". I was like, all of society??? Kid, then leave! If you aren't happy living somewhere and the only think keeping you there is work, don't you think it may be worth finding another job? I guess we're back to how important is money. Important enough to live in a loathesome society? Yipes.

Ya no mas hoy, I'm starting to feel depressed again. I just hope I get good quality Mrs. Brazil-Russia time before she leaves. She's a person I will be sad to know is not nearby. Sigh.

I'm also thrilled to start getting notes from other diary people. Mrs. B-R tells me I have to be more active in the community, let other people know I'm reading them and then they'll read me and we can feel one another. I'm certainly feeling lonely-latina. If I had computer access more often I'd be so Diarytastic...alas,
T'chau

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