06.13.05 - 12:38 p.m.
RejectionI am so escondida right now. The public library is the only place I can think of with free internet and I'm in the Science section (to bypass the wait in the general internet area) pretending to be researching HPV. I feel so anxious. But I've been feeling anxious all weekend.
I had an interesting Sat. night. Went to a bday party with my trainer (who is no longer my trainer, but my friend and enjoyable although leads a double life as a ever so slightly shady car dealer) of Maria (who I had been feeling issues with in the last entry). Issues kind of got worse. She said something incredibly rude out of the blue (made a comment to my trainer that was based on wildly private information) when I wasn't even talking to her and I wanted to kick her. But it was her birthday. So the next day I talked to her about it and I was so angry my hands were shaking. I made her cry. The quickest way to dispel my anger is to cry. I felt like such a jerk, but she had really pissed me the fuck off. Now she knows and she's super open to change, but I just need some space. She's getting too close, too fast..... she's a childhood friend of one of my best friends and it's like I'm automatically supposed to be her friend because of the connection. And I genuinely like her, but feeling like we need some balance. Enough. What if she reads this and then feels shitty? Sigh. I think she knows it all though.
Diaries are weird because you can write stuff that you don't feel comfortable revealing otherwise, but if you are writing about someone else and they don't know what you think, it's unfair in a roundabout way. But censoring a journal is pure ass. It's the super public aspect of it all that has me all wiggled up. Sigh number two.
But let's get to the entertaining part (yeah, the boy part). So I invited Hercules to the bar too, he's a Brazilian capoeira teacher who married an acquaintance of mine because at the time he loved her. Now they are still married (green card?) but no longer in love and he's trying to find love with someone else. Apparently they're very open about things and it doesn't feel like he's a "married man" in the normal sense of the word. You hang out with international folks long enough you get the marriage of convenience thing a lot. Anyway, he's very sweet and has a tremendous body, but I think he's also super lonely and needs a woman to take care of him (his words). He's not typical macho I don't think, he just has always had that one woman caring for him and doesn't know how to cope. We had a big Portuespaglish conversation at a party not to long ago about love an relationship and such and it was nice.
I know what it's like to live in another country and not go out much and feel kind of adrift so I want to invite him to do things although in the back of my mind I feel the Code Of The Girl and should call his wife (!) and kind of make sure it's okay I'm chilling with him, although I haven't seen her in a year and we were never super close, I feel some weird betrayal shit, plus she may be interested in drama and I'm not. But it's all moot now anyway because of what happened.
So we danced around with my friends and he was cute and fun. He said he "had to talk to me" all night but never did. Then he asked another friend if I was going to do the capoeira show on Sunday because he still "had to talk to me". I guess I had an inkling what it was about...
So Sunday the whole capoeira group hangs out all day and then he gets me alone and says (in English, which he is just learning and that made it more heartwrenching) "What do you think about you and me?" And I'm a dork so I said, not genuinely, "you and me- what?" And he stopped talking because friends came up. Then he texted me on his phone (because we were in the car with said friends) "Do you have a boyfriend?" Check this out- this is where my head is at: a beautiful man, hardest capoiera body, incredible physical skills, foreign, amazing dancer, toured the world with his folkloric dance group asking me to be with him. And I say no. I just KNEW it wasn't right. He's looking for someone to care for him- and I'm right back in that spot again. Go over my list of exes and you can see each time I am the crew director. I'm the one who seems to have her shit together so they gravitate toward me. I DON'T WANT TO TEACH ANYONE ANYMORE!
I told him the truth and basically negated ever being able to hang out with him again. I said I'm interested in having lots of friends and not one boyfriend that takes up most of my time. I told him there were many women who would be with him (and he was cute again and said he didn't want just any woman he wanted someone he had energy with) and it's better he find someone who also doesn't know his wife.
I'm so bad at rejection (because I rarely get any offers!) that I kept trying to be nice or friendly and he was done. Sigh. He would have been kind of a fun friend, but too much anxiety in the end.
There were other bits and pieces that happened this weekend too.. but none worth going in depth with. I just feel vaguely lost and questioning myself and my worth and sighsighsigh. I also have a cough so I'm not 100%. And got a new liscence picture and one eye is closed. ARGH!
I miss Mrs.Russia a lot too.
Time for a bike ride. I like how in this country I can take off my shirt (yes, there is a sports bra underneath) and it's acceptable. Viva la U.S.A!
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