08.01.06 - 10:51 p.m.

I have been really down lately. I'm definately pms-ing which adds no good. I am sooo hot (heatwave is unbelievable in the Big City. How did I deal in Honduras?) and cranky. And don't like my new internship. I'm basically doing all that I didn't want to do- office, organizing study abroad but not going on it, or building curriculum for it, phone calls, more computer. ICK. They hold this carrot up that they will need teachers for the program as it expands (my job- marketing NOOOOOOOOOOOO!) but I simply don't know enough about mexican social movements to ever teach a semester long class. As a TA maybe. But otherwise impossible. It sucks. But it's only for six months and I've only been there one day, so I have to give it time. And they will send me down to Mexico to a zapatista community so that could be dopedopedope.

It sucks because I have a long list of what I don't want and no list of what I do. I mean the idea would be if I can't find what's for me out there I should create it myself, but I don't know what it is that I want to create. And teaching was so exhausting, but I was good at it and felt fulfilled by it (in retrospect anyway). I feel like I have no good support in some ways too. Like I haven't cracked a book or used my brain in a while, my friends don't really want to go deep in action, I'm impatient, not crushed on anyone, and am confused about how to go about what I need to do. Should I leave this city? Start over? Or just work really hard on building that community I keep craving? I need to get away from the Mexican stuff in some ways... I'm doing a lot with things that don't have to do with my community but do have to do with solidarity, and while I see the importance of building bridges I need to work on what I feel needs addressing...
sigh.
And I'm trying to stay away from beer. HA!
'nuff whining for now. ja.
paleta

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