05.07.06 - 12:42 a.m.
She's Tired FolksI am feeling out of sorts.
So very much has happened since I last wrote. To condense it seems the only thing I can bear.
We did it. The crush and I. It's a long story with some good parts about the art festival I organized (I hit a high light as a dj- greatest night yet in Snoshoe and didn't have much to do with him, really) and then at the end of the weekend went over a little drunk and we did it.
And... he's chubbier than I thought (in both ways). Hairier than I thought. Softer too (in a not entirely appealing way). And has herpes. Oh my. Not to worry, condoms were present. And it wasn't really what I wanted to do in my best judgement, but we all know I'm so all about instant gratification.
And the afterwards has been so unsatisfying. He's super busy (he has all this shit due because he graduates tomorrow) and I get that, but he hasn't made an effort to talk to me at all since it happened.
Once again I remind myself: If someone is really interested in you, they PERSUE you.
And my future looms. And transition is on the way. Back to Big City with a stopover in Mexico to lead the teens on a trip.. can't remember the last time I heard from Octavio... So I have twoish months left and things are supposed to be So Fun right now, but I hardly even want to socialize. When the sun is out, I'm so happy but I'm also exhausted. I think I need some time to work. Some brain time, some alone time, where I don't have to worry if I'm being fun enough or if I'm hurting anyone's feelings or pulling my weight. I'm so TIRED of being the leader of every damn little thing. And when you lead enough, people begin to expect it of you and then what? I just want to be alone.
Better yet, I want Crush to like me! Seek me out! Make me dinner! Sleep with me without herpes, go to the farmer's market in the sunshine and drink coffee and homemade donuts and likemelikemelikeme.
Fuck it. I need to sleep.
P.
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