04.04.06 - 12:06 a.m.

Sometimes I feel like the only place I can blab freely about myself is this thing. My friends are all asleep, and I'm ripe on beer... had another crush day. SIGH. Taught capoeira to his kids and him, had a blast, then went over his house for tea. It was great in so many ways. I felt more myself almost, because I had some understanding (?) that we couldn't be together. Although I asked him again for some more clarity about what was going on between him and this woman and he said that he wanted to figure out what was going on without the context of being crushed out on me (how can he separate?) and that he was crushed out on me, and if the other woman wasn't an issue he'd be interested in persuing something with me, but that he also was interested in doing things slowly so that he didn't lose himself... which a part of me really admires and aspires to. But I'm also in this space right now (spring? lack of doin' it? unclear future plans?) where I am ready to delve into someone full on. And I feel like I want to delve into him. He hugged me again in that ovewhelming way and grabbed my hand at one point, and I got kind of angry and told him that I felt uncomfortable with that kind of touching because it was (and I'm all grad school here) "inappropriate" because I liked him and it felt teasing or pitying. And I revealed a lot about myself and how I approach relationships and that I really like to be physical and not wait for that, and I could tell that turned him on a little and it was just fucked up all around. He's too great. He gets me to communicate and really listens and when he talks he chooses his words carefully.. but I think I'm kind of letting him get away with shit and that I should be questioning him more directly. I asked him where he thought I should be on my 'hope-o-meter' with him. He kept talking about taking a "slow friendship" and I told him that sounded like him telling me to wait awhile to see what happens with this other woman.

I have romanticized him into being 'the one'. Imagine that. I am ridiculous.

Argh.

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