09.28.05 - 8:08 p.m.

I am in another world. And after reading about Chim-Chim's teacher I want to kick some ass. I laughed out loud at the gang sign... Why can't he be in first grade again?

Anyway, the other world. I can't fucking believe this grad school crap. I had no idea. I'm so underprepared for a place like this. Where people refer to authors (like I can even remember my professor's name? much less the article's author? after reading 4 zillion articles by other folks each more boring than the last?) I can't figure out if I'm just kind of blank in some ways, like I've always had a hard time retaining stuff that I don't consider of vital importance, or if my retention problems stem from the fact that I really have smoked too much pot in my life. Like I'm trying to get back into digging the news, I'm a former car radio npr junkie, but without car time I can't seem to dig the newspaper or the on-line stuff. I kind of space out unless it's about music or drugs or race. Like I need to be up on wars and politics but I just can't get it up. I know where I stand and where my beliefs are but I just can't back them up and sound smartie about it.

I'm indimidated. Academia is an intelligence I've not really dealt with. In one of my classes I put myself in a group with this girl who sucks but is really hyper academic. I'm hoping she'll rub off or at least help me write my papers. I'm sucking ass already.

And with the two jobs I'm not really having much time to socialize or do my work the way I think I should. I'm also getting sick, which is very, very, very rare for me. Not good. At least I'm digging the environs more, georgous fall is beginning, crunchy leaves and such and crisp apples and crisp air. I just have this driving need to be social and it's getting in the way with doing work already. I was thisclose to going to soccer practice today but I need to prevent the sickness from doing me in and I needed to read and so I stayed home. And now look what I'm doing. Bad, Paleta!

I'm also realizing I like talking to the men more than the women,which is weird for me because I've always considered myself such a girl's girl. But I don't have to go deep with the boys. I can ramble about bullshit and it's fine. And they have that energy that is just so very missing from my life. Must go back to reading...
Oh, I can't even believe that I forgot this- I asked my crush out to the movies on Sun. and we went. It was weird. He reminds me waaay to much of my ex, I actually made a list of the ways he was similar and it scared me to the point of not liking this kid so much anymore. He's also really awkward, which is alternatley cute and annoying. I didn't feel a sexual vibe coming from him but know I could probably make a move and he'd respond, but I'M NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE. I want to be with someone who persues me! Equality or something like it. No more depressed shy boys with sexy Boston accents and cool facial hair. NO!

�

previous - next

�