09.11.05 - 8:57 a.m.
Snoshue is Not For MeI am having a panic attack. I'm sure partly brought on by the deadly PMS/transition combo. Yikes. So I'm here and my classes begin tomorrow and soon I'll have 8 and 10 and 30 page papers due and I woke up seized by the idea that I made the wrong decision to come to school here. I almost never wake up seized by anything except the desire to pee.
I went 'out' on Friday night. After a week of orientation where everyone is smiley and you say the same thing four thousand times there was a salsa night a local bar. I have a feeling it was the only salsa night for a while due to lack of latinos of any kind in these parts. I think they like imported the dj or something. Anyway I went and it was all the people I'd just done orientation with so all of these white women dancing. Some people not so bad.
So I tried to be jaunty and grabbed the hand of some woman who looked like she knew what she was doing and I said "I'll lead you" just so I could dance. And she yanked her hand away and said "I don't need anyone to lead me. I'll lead you.". Okay miscommunication or something but I felt rejected and hostilly at that so I just walked away. For the rest of the evening she was trying to like be nice to me and at one point said something like "I'm sure you're the best dancer in here" to which I replied "that's not really what I'm going for..." It was just a bad start. So I danced a bit and felt awkward and out of it very Alone In The Crowd.
There's more, but frankly it's all stupid and the upshot is I did a Paleta from back in the '90's which is when I used to feel uncomfortable in my skin a lot in bars/parties/crowded events and I'd just up and leave without telling anyone. My roomate was a little bit disturbed I guess. So all in all it was a night of total failure.
Just a little taste of what I'm up against, I guess. No males whatsoever and some fucking catty, uptight females. What choices! Lucky me! I really could use a dose of self confidence. I'm also starting to sleep like crazy. Welcome to the edge of depression, Paleta. I gotta fight it. I did take a nice bike ride yesterday after going to the farmer's market. The market was an excercize in throwback for me. I know I'm urban when the sight of hippies with their shoes off enjoying the sunshine and some folk band playing makes me a little queasy.
I suck. Sigh.
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