06.23.05 - 1:46 p.m.

Ups and downs m'friends. Ups and downs. Other day had a really nice biking day with Gonzaldo. We felt tan and sunny and ate pastries by the lake. Lovely. (up) Then we ran into Frencao and Society Hater and the three boys talked over me and I felt invisible. (down) Later that night I sat around calling everyone I know trying to find someone to go to the Bar with me. Everyone was busy giving me a complex.(down) And Frencao didn't call me as I asked him to if he was going to the Bar. (double down) Finally I found Mr. Pip and Ms. Brazil (triple ups to finally hang out with her). I had a few beers with Ms. Brazil, lubed up, she put on her party make-up and then we met Pip at the Bar. (climbing up as I type).

When I got there Frencao and company had already left, but I knew every third person in there anyway. The boy that flattered me the other day was there, the bass player I had hit on, the Level 2, The HFB, everyone was there. And I was happy and chatty and dancey. (so very up) And then I went home with HFB and he was sweet a few times (some nice compliments, some sexy talk) but mostly it was more of the same. Him having drunk to much, the marathon making things a bit dry... But it made me feel good to be with someone. (mixed up)

But then yesterday happened. I slept all day to catch up and went to capoeira. A suprising up since things have been doo-doo there. Like a great big sweaty up. Then had a date with the bass player. I liked it, he was cute and cool but seemed a tad uncomfortable until the drinking began in earnest. He really reminded me of the other bass player I dated. It's weird how much easier it is to go out with a white guy. Less pretense or confusion, understanding? I don't know. It also didn't give me an adrenaline rush. No teasing. But a solid up. Until we went to the Bar. NEVER GO TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW! Bad move, moosecock. I got way too high first outside(Bass player not interested and went inside, Level 2 smoked me up and was flirty and cute, as usual)and became soooo paranoid and self consious. (super down)Horrible,horrible,horrible. I saw Fashen-Chang and she was kind of ignoring me (she's done that from time to time, gets annoyed with me but never tells me why) and making me more paranoid, saying 'hi' to other random Bar boys and feeling like they didn't want to talk with me, and feeling like I was 'with' the bass player and therefore out of place somehow. Just big down and big suck. I left early and couldn't get to sleep at all because I was so high and horrible.
DDOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN.

Woke up to a new day today. Called the bass player, apologized. Called Fashen-Chang and know if she doesn't call back it's because she's pissed and I have to somehow make amends if I want to be in her good graces, and part of me just wants to be in her good graces so if I see her out she's cool with me... Basically I need to regroup and realize that I should hang out with people who make me feel good about myself and who I can be myself with and not be so fucking fucked up (mentally and chemically) so I can see things for what they are.

Complex anyone? Geez. I gotta get outta my head!
Lovelove,
Paleta

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